When Uncle Bumpo Came to Pirate's Swoop
by Kiroscura
Summary: Our favorite German Uncle comes to visit! But why does everyone think he's their relative?
1. Here Comes Uncle Bumpo!

Disclaimer: I, quite obviously, do not own Tortall or its characters. Alas, I also lack the copyright to Uncle Bumpo. Some Danish guy wrote him. Poor sap.

A/N: If you've ever been to the amazon.de and typed in "Daja's Book," you may have noticed that the cover doesn't come up. Instead, the cover for Uncle Bumpo appears. This is what might happen if Uncle Bumpo came to visit the Tortallans. Also, there are BIG spoilers in here for almost everything up through Trickster's Queen, so consider yourself warned.

It was raining quite hard the night Uncle Bumpo came. Alanna had been woken unceremoniously by one of Aly's triplets. Alanna didn't know which one it was, and she didn't care to find out. She just wished it would stop nesting until midnight, only to sleep for an hour before it began to squawk. If she heard one more wing rustle or one more baby's "Maw!", she was going to...

Someone was pounding one the door. Alanna opened it. A man who looked to be in his late 20's stood sopping wet on the doorstep.

"Oh, what an adorable baby! May I hold him?" asked the man. Alanna pulled out her sword. For future reference, whenever one of the triplets would taunt another child by saying "My granny can fight better than you!", it was widely acknowledged to be true.

"Hands OFF the baby!" Shouted Alanna with at an admirable volume. "You touch the kid, I disembowel you."

The man began to cry. "But...but...I just wanted to see my nephew and nieces!" He sat down on the step and cried.

Alanna sighed. ANOTHER drunkard? In two weeks? The provost really needed to crack down. "Okay, sir," said Alanna kindly but firmly. "You are most definitely not my son. Go away."

"But...but...I'm Uncle Bumpo!" said that man. "I came to visit!"

Just then, George walked into the foyer. "Bumpo, my brother! How are you?"

Bumpo smiled. "Hooray!" he said. "It's George!" By now the rest of the family was up. Babies squawked, Nawat preened, Aly juggled the three squawking infants, and Kel, who had been stuck in the storm, yawned.

"Uncle Bumpo!" cried Aly and Nawat. They hugged him.

"Uncle Bumpo!" shouted Kel. She began to sing the Uncle Bumpo Jousting Song. ("Always cap your lance! Or I'll spank you in the pants! It's not nice to fight! Evan at 11:00 at night!")

By now, everyone had joined Kel in singing. Their voices mingled in the air, creating music one would expect to hear from the Arizona State University choir. Glass broke, animals howled, babies squawked, and Alanna covered her ears in sheer agony.

"That is IT!" She screamed. Everyone was quiet. "I want an explanation NOW, or, so help me Mithros, I will RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS!"

For a few blessed moments, there was silence. Then Uncle Bumpo spoke:

"I think someone needs a hug!"

As her family squeezed her tightly, Alanna began to weep.

A/N: Will Alanna survive the awful singing? Will the babies ever learn to nest properly? And who is the mysterious Uncle Bumpo? Tune in later to find out in... "When Uncle Bumpo Came to Pirate's Swoop".


	2. Breakfast with Uncle Bumpo

Disclaimer: No, I have not decided to have a change of heart and sell this story. Your copyright is safe with me, Tammy and Anonymous Creator of Uncle Bumpo!

A/N: Again, this story contains big spoilers for Trickster's Queen. You have been warned. Again.

The next day was bright and cheery, just like Uncle Bumpo. Alanna came down for breakfast and found Uncle Bumpo putting blueberry muffins, fried eggs, (sunny-side up, of course!), and Happy Smiley Waffles on the table. She felt suddenly sick to her stomach.

Just then, Kel skipped cheerily down the stairs. She kissed Uncle Bumpo's cheek.

"Good morning, Uncle Bumpo!" She sang. "How did you sleep?"

"I slept just fine, thank you!" Said Uncle Bumpo in an equally song-ish voice.

Alanna doubted that. She had given "Dear old Uncle Bumpo" the worst bed in the manor.

Soon, everyone was at the table. The conversation was light and fluffy, just like the muffins. As it turns out, Uncle Bumpo was an excellent cook.

Alanna tried to ignite some form of intelligent conversation. "So, I hear there's a pirate ship off the coast. We should see to that..."

Uncle Bumpo cut her off. "Now, Lanna, that's not a very fun conversation. Let's talk about words beginning with the letter 'P'!"

Everyone cheered except Alanna. She hated being called Lanna. She hated Uncle Bumpo.

"Puppies!" Shouted Aly.

"Picnics!" Yelled Nawat.

"Palpitation!" Cheered George.

Everyone stared awkwardly at the floor. Alanna laughed. George had a slight obsession with heart maladies of all sorts.

Uncle Bumpo was the first to recover.

"I have a great idea! Let's go on a picnic this afternoon! Nothing's cheerier or happier than that."

Everyone clapped, except Alanna, of course.

"Oh, Uncle Bumpo!" Cried Aly. "The nestlings-I mean, erm, babies slept all night last night! You're so good with children."

"Thank you, Aly!" Said Uncle Bumpo. "I must admit, children love me!"

"They're probably just fixated with your ridiculous hair," muttered Alanna.

Uncle Bumpo touched his hair and got a very sad look on his face.

"I think someone's jealous," pouted Uncle Bumpo. "And you know what happens when someone's jealous, don't you?" He looked at everyone around the table.

"WE HAVE TO SING THE UNCLE BUMPO JEALOUSY SONG!" They shouted. "Jealousy, jealousy, I don't envy jealousy! Jealousy, jealousy, let's all be friends!"

"WHATEVER!" Roared Alanna. "Now will someone PLEASE tell me who the HELL Uncle Bumpo is and WHY you're all acting like gits!"

Everyone gasped. "Alanna!" Said Uncle Bumpo. "Bad language! Shame!"

"Shame, shame, shame!" chorused the rest.

"Now we have to sing the Uncle Bumpo Bad Language Song!" Said Uncle Bumpo. Everyone burst into song...


	3. Uncle Bumpo's Unexpected Proposal

Disclaimer:

Alex Trebeck: Ken Jennings, for the final Jeaprody! question, the answer is: She doesn't own Tortall, its characters, Uncle Bumpo, Jeaprody, or you.

Ken Jennings: Uh...who is Kiroscura?

Alex Trebeck: Correct!

A/N: Hooray! My first non-family review! Darth Tater, awesome name! And trust me; I've thought about it. Also, as always, spoilers for Trickster's Queen. Now, on to chapter 3!

"Uncle Bumpo! Uncle Bumpo! Everybody loves their favorite uncle! Uncle Bumpo!" The cheery group skipped up the hill overlooking Pirate's Swoop arm-in-arm, singing in the range of chipmunks on speed. Alanna trudged behind them.

"Hey everybody! We're here!" shouted Uncle Bumpo. The group got to work spreading out a joyful blanket, a cheery basket, and yummy-in-your-tummy foods.

Everyone shoveled the food down their mouths making ridiculous "yum!" sounds all the while. Except, of course, Alanna.

"Out...of...my...HEAD!" She screamed, hitting her head in pain. She hated the Uncle Bumpo theme song, and, in some cruel, ironic twist of fate, it was now stuck in her head. No one noticed her; they were too busy watching Uncle Bumpo propose to Kel.

"Kel," he said dreamily. "I love you. Will you marry me? We can have little baby Bumpos!"

Kel smiled back. "Of course I'll marry you!"

Alanna gaped. "You've only known the man for six hours!" Everyone ignored her. Alanna tried again. "What about Dom? Aren't you supposed to have some 'secret crush' on him?"

Kel's face darkened for a moment, as if she were trying to remember something. She spoke in a soft, vacant voice.

"Who's Dom?"


	4. Uncle Bumpo's Picnic of Death

Disclaimer: I always try to come up with a disclaimer that could be considered remotely interesting. Alas, I couldn't think of one today. I'm sorry, dear reader, I have failed you. Oh, and I also don't own Tortall or Uncle Bumpo. sigh

A/N: It has come to my attention, (thanks, DoMO!), that amazon.de is German, not Danish, and that Uncle Bumpo is German as well. Thank goodness I didn't use that Danish pastry joke in chapter two! For the fourth time, this story contains spoilers for Trickster's Queen.

"Kel?" whispered Alanna. "KEL! Wake up, dear! Hello! What is WRONG with you!" Kel said nothing, her eyes dull. She smiled happily and began to drool slightly.

Alanna whirled toward Uncle Bumpo. "You!" She shouted. "You did this to her! I don't know how, maybe it was your excessive use of hair gel, but you got to her somehow. I'm going to find out, and I'm going to come for you, and I'm going to make you regret that you were ever born!"

Uncle Bumpo stared at her for a moment, then his lower lip began to wobble. "Oh, for Mithros's sake..." muttered Alanna. Uncle Bumpo's eyes filled with tears, and he began to sob.

"Why do you...hate me?" he wailed. "I tried to be nice! I really did! Was it something I said?" Everyone rushed to Uncle Bumpo and hugged him, whispering "There, there"s and "It's okay"s. Then they turned on Alanna, their eyes a dark shade of red.

"You did this," They said in demonic monotone. "You will pay." They walked slowly toward her. Aly took out a dagger and held it in front of her.

Alanna backed away. "Whoa, now..." she said soothingly. "What are you saying here? What's going on?"

Alanna grabbed a dagger from her boot, (she was thrifty like that), pulled Uncle Bumpo toward her, and pushed the dagger to his throat. "I want everyone to calm down now. I want everyone to go sit back down on the blanket. If you don't do that by the time I count to three, I will kill Uncle Bumpo."

The group had a look of shock plastered on their faces. They didn't know whether to defend Uncle Bumpo or to go sit down.

"One..." said Alanna firmly. "Two..." No one moved. "Don't make me do this," she said evenly. "Three..." She stiffened her hand. Suddenly, she was thrown back on the ground.

Uncle Bumpo stood over her, his eyes shining frighteningly. "I wasn't going to do this yet, not until I had an heir..." Alanna turned pale. "But you leave me no choice. No matter; after I kill you, I can carry out the rest of my plan." Uncle Bumpo's voice was changing from high and German to deep and Tortallan. His face was also changing, contorting this way and that. Suddenly, Alanna knew who Uncle Bumpo really was.

Power gathered in his hands as Alanna's eyes widened

She should have known it would be him.


	5. The End of Uncle Bumpo

Disclaimer: I don't own Uncle Bumpo, Tortall, or its characters. Now I'll say it in Italian: Non possiedo lo zio Bumpo, Tortall, o i relativi caratteri.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Also, spoilers for everything up through Trickster's Queen.

The friendly face of Uncle Bumpo had transformed into the face of Duke Roger.

Alanna had often had nightmares about this situation. In her dreams she had always been frozen in fear, but she found herself somehow unfrightened. She presumed that it was like when you stubbed your toe; it never hurt at first, but you knew it was going to be really painful sooner rather than later.

"Not you again," murmured Alanna. "You're really getting annoying, you know that?"

Duke Roger chuckled. "All that's very good, but I'm going to kill you now before you can maneuver your way out of this one."

"Coward," muttered Alanna.

Roger paused. "What's that?"

"Coward," Alanna repeated, louder this time. "You won't even let me fight."

Roger laughed again. "You think I'd do that? Now? After you've already beaten me two times? Hah! I'd rather just kill you..." Alanna grabbed his foot and yanked it toward her.

Roger stumbled, which was just enough to allow Alanna to grab her dagger and jump to her feet.

Roger recovered quickly and held out a sword. Alanna stared at it. Where had that come from?

She lunged for his throat, but he parried instantly. Alanna cursed. She dodged an attack to the side and swung her dagger toward his flank. He parried, but not before she had left a long, shallow cut.

Roger's attack became more violent; he pushed the sword to her throat, almost making contact. Alanna pushed the sword away just in time.

"Why will you not DIE!" screamed Alanna in frustration.

Suddenly, an arrow embedded itself in Roger's hand. Alanna stabbed him through the heart. She had almost forgotten about that pirate attack. She looked out to sea, where Tortallan ships were finishing off the last of the pirates. She never thought she'd see the day when a pirate attack turned out to be a good thing.

As soon as his body fell to the ground, the confused faces of her companions began to regain their normal expressions.

Aly wrinkled her nose. "What happened here?"

Alanna sighed. "Duke Roger tried to procreate with Kel and you all tried to kill me."

They all stared blankly at her.

Alanna realized it was worthless, at least for the time being. "I'll explain later."

With that, they began to walk back to the manor.


	6. Uncle Bumpo's Cheery Epilogue

Disclaimer: I don't own Tortall, its characters, or Uncle Bumpo. Aren't you getting sick of me saying that?

A/N: Here it is! The last installment. Thanks for all the kind reviews.

The Epilogue

One week after Alanna killed Uncle Bumpo...er, Duke Roger, the Royal Guard discovered the house he had been plotting in. Papers revealed that he was planning to marry a Tortallan close to Alanna, (it turned out to be Kel), procreate, and take over the realm with the help of his children.

Duke Roger had cast a very complex piece of magic on everyone to keep them under his control. Though many mages were consulted, no one knew why Alanna had not been affected. Numair Salamin theorized that her immunity to Roger's magic had something to do with the fact that she had killed him so many times.

Either way, they burned the papers and Roger's body, just to be really safe. The search for the mage who brought him back from the dead continued. However, Alanna decided not to worry about such things. Everyone would just have to be more careful next time.

After everyone had been given a while to recuperate, the household returned to normal. That is, as normal as it can be with babies who act like birds, two spies, a crow man, and a lady knight. Alanna didn't care, though. She had actually grown to like it. But not TOO much.


End file.
